Rodney Dangerfield
US actor & comedian
(1921 - 2004)

·         A girl phoned me the other day and said "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

·         I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

·         I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

·         Life is just a bowl of pits.

·         My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

·         I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

·         My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

·         My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

·         When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

·         I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker.  I dropped my pants.  She dropped her price.

·         I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy.  I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!

·         What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!

·         Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

·         I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection.  My yo-yo, it never came back! 

·         Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor.  I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

·         When I was a kid I got no respect.  The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."

·         I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!

·         I tell you, with my doctor, I don't get no respect.  I told him, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills."  He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. 

·         Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room.

·         With my dog I don't get no respect.  He keeps barking at the front door.  He don't want to go out.  He wants me to leave.

·         What a dog I got.  His favorite bone is in my arm!

·         Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch.

·         I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get.

·         I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

·         One night I came home.  I figured, let my wife come on.  I'll play it cool.  Let her make the first move.  She went to Florida. 

·         I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake.  He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

·         My doctor told me to watch my drinking.  Now I drink in front of a mirror.  I drink too much.  Way too much.  My doctor drew blood.  He ran a tab.

·         When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...but he pulled through."

·         I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great uncle fought for the west!

·         My father was stupid.  He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.

·         My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

·         My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

·         My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

·         When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

·         I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

·         One year they wanted to make me poster boy... for birth control.

·         I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father.  He said he wanted more proof.

·         My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap.  He was in the electric chair.

·         Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There are so many places they can hide."

·         I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor. They sent a priest up to talk to me. He said, "On your mark..."

·         When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.

·         I had a lot of pimples too.  One day I fell asleep in a library.  I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.

·         My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

·         Last week my tie caught on fire.  Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!

·         I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette.

·         One time I went to a hotel.  I asked the bellhop to handle my bag.  He felt up my wife!

·         This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me.

·         I'm a bad lover.  Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.

·         My wife only has sex with me for a purpose.  Last night she used me to time an egg.

·         It's tough to stay married.  My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

·         My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."

·         Last night my wife met me at the front door.  She was wearing a sexy negligee.

·         The only trouble was, she was coming home.

·         A hooker once told me she had a headache.

·         I went to a massage parlor.  It was self service.

·         If it weren't for pick-pocketers, I'd have no sex life at all.

·         I was making love to this girl and she started crying.  I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

·         I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger.  That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

·         I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

·         I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

·         I knew a girl so ugly, the last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it.

·         I knew a girl so ugly; she had a face like a saint--a Saint Bernard!

·         I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, "What'll you have?" I said, "Surprise me." He showed me a naked picture of my wife.

·         During sex my wife always wants to talk to me.  Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

·         My marriage is on the rocks again.  Yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

·         One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy...why are you doing that for?" He said, "Because you came home early."

·         I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up.  What's wrong with me?  He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

·         I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow.  He told me to wear a brown necktie.

·         My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy.  I told him, "If you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion."  He said, "All right. You're ugly too!"

·         I was so ugly, my mother used to feed me with a slingshot!

·         When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"

·         And we were poor too.  Why, if I wasn't born a boy, I'd have nothing to play with!

Henny Youngman
US (English-born) comedian
(1906 - 1998) 

·         I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

·         I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

·         I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

·         My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

·         When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
 
Now for the definitive Henny Youngman collection: 

Wife Jokes 

·         My wife is an earth sign. I'm a water sign. Together we make mud.

·         A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife." "So you're single…."

·         Take my wife, please!

·         I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?

·         I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife every finds out, she'll kill me!

·         My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food..... She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

·         Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

·         I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

·         I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?"

·         We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

·         My wife has a black belt in shopping.

·         My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.

·         All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.

·         She has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down! So what did I do? Bought her an electric chair.

·         My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.

·         My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

·         My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"

·         My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake.

·         My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

·         My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree!

·         She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

·         She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

·         She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!"

·         I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood.

·         Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it.

·         I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."

Relative Jokes 

·         I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

·         My son is 21. He'll be 22 if I let him.

·         My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!

·         I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.

·         My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

·         My brother then opened a tall man's shop in Tokyo.

·         My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go "Crick".

·         My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

Drunk Jokes 

·         A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

·         Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!" 

Insults 

·         "What's the latest dope on Wall Street?" "My son!"

·         Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time?

·         You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.

·         If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

·         She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

·         She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

·         You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.

·         You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

·         You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

·         The more I think of you, the less I think of you.

·         Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?

·         Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana? 

Doctor Jokes 

·         A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

·         My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said "Cough!"

·         The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered "So did my arthritis!"

·         The Doctor says "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"

·         The patient says "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"

·         The doctor says to the patient, "Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window". "What will that do" asks the patient. The doctor says "I'm mad at my neighbor!"

·         A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says "That's what puzzles me!"

·         "Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says "Limp!"

·         Doctor says to a man "You're pregnant!" The man says "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says "The usual way, a little wine, a little dinner...."

·         A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says "You're crazy" The man says "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"

·         "Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"

·         Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."

·         I know a guy who had his doctor say "take some weight off, go to a health club." This man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!